correct my draft

For your next draft, I need you to focus more on analyzing the advertisement itself. Remember, you need to develop a strong thesis statement about what you think the advertisement in question is doing. Some of the thoughts in your conclusion may serve you better if you include them in your thesis statement.

The purpose of the paper is not to advocate for the benefits of exercise (although you do identify several reasons exercise is desirable) , rather it is to identify the ways in which the specific ad you’ve chosen motivates its audience to use the complex.

As you identify how the ad functions, you can certainly weave in some of the background information about why this sports complex is trying to promote more participation – but don’t allow that to become the focus of your essay.

As you’re polishing your next draft, I’d like you to consider a few points of contemporary language use. My impression is you’re trying to be respectful when you use terms like “ladies, more seasoned adults, people from low financial gatherings, and the debilitated.” However, more commonly accepted terms would be women, older adults, lower income people and disabled people. These distinctions can seem odd, but they are important to many people.