Here is the advice given by teachers and classmates:

The overall structure is clear and coherent. But please clearly state your main argument in the beginning. While the conclusion is clear, please police it further to make it more persuasive.Overall, the tone is consistent with a public / professional essay. For further improvement, try to capture the attention of your reader with a catchy introduction. Also, do not hesitate to use figures of speech (analogy, metaphor etc.) or concrete examples to convey your thoughts better.In preparation for the mandatory consultation, please read my in-text comments.Maribel

good topic but some arguments are not clear enough and confusedproofread to make sure there is no grammar errorsneed to stand your argument at the beginningconclusion is not clear enough

The 11111.pdf is the specific suggestion given by the teacher. You should modify it mainly according to this file. Remember to add more references and analyze them with some charts. (Add at least two more diagrams and three references)

I also uploaded my first draft, referecne format document (because my reference format is wrong) and the requirement document, please read them carefully.